


Fill my heart with song

by amaresu



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Young Wizards - Diane Duane
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 00:05:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaresu/pseuds/amaresu
Summary: Sometimes people give up Wizardry. Sometimes they get the chance to get it back. Sometimes you have to be a bit of a bastard inbetween those two things.





	Fill my heart with song

 

The box comes on a Wednesday. Dirk and Farah are out chasing down a lead on the latest case while Todd tries to put together strips of shredded paper. He's not entirely sure how the work assignments had been dealt out as putting together pieces of shredded paper seemed far more Farah-like than Todd-like, but there he is with a tape dispenser and piles of cardboard stolen from the alley behind the building. He'll never admit it to anyone, but he is almost enjoying himself. He has music and a task. Only the occasional musical judgment from Mona breaks his concentration, but as she has to stop being a small rosebush in the corner to offer it those are rare. It's almost, tentatively, a good and relaxing afternoon.  Which is why the box takes him by surprise.

Amanda had said she'd told their parents the Agency's address last time she called. Todd honestly wasn't expecting to hear from them though. He knows what he did and, more importantly, so do they. Instead he's just been sending them whatever money he has extra at the end of the month, money he used to set aside for Amanda. It wasn't ever going to be enough to make up for what he did, but it's what he can do and that was all he really has. The box isn't very big, just large enough that the delivery man is a bit awkward dropping it off. He doesn't look at the return address until after the man has left, assuming it's some random thing Dirk or Farah has decided they needed. Or, less likely, something Amanda wants them to store for her. When he finally looks at the return address he sits down right in the middle of the floor. He's not sure how long he sits there for before Mona wanders up to him, "Aren't you going to open it?"

"I don't know," he's oddly comforted by the fact that Mona has stopped being a rosebush long enough to check on him. "It's from my parents."

"Oh, you should definitely open it then," Mona says in her quiet voice before turning into a pair of scissors. 

Todd can't help but laugh at that and it seems rude to not take her up on her offer. Delicately, because it still feels weird to use Mona for things even when she's offering, he cuts the tape and puts her to the side. Taking a deep breath he opens the box. The first thing he see is the letter and stack of envelopes, only one opened, all of them the ones he's sent to his parents. He doesn't have to look to know that they haven't taken any of his money. There's a slight hitch in his throat as he picks up the letter. The contents are short, simply, and best summed up as being disowned.

He'd told Amanda their parents didn't want anything to do with him. That's why he hasn't put a return address on his letters. Just notes of apology and money. Not enough, not that he has thought it would be, but it still hurts to have it all returned back to him. Not looking at the money he puts it to the side on Farah's desk. She'll know what to do with it. The rest of the box is the random junk he still had at his parents, debris from what had been a very nice childhood. Old band shirts, some pictures from high school - friends he hasn't thought of in years, a couple of notebooks filled with song lyrics, and a book. The book is old, worn, and Todd almost can't look at it.

Carefully he pulls it out of the box and flips through the first few pages. He'd started it when he was 12 or 13, convinced he'd find a cure for pararibulitis. He used to be so afraid of pararibulitis, so grateful their branch of the family hadn't been struck by it. He'd studies all the medical papers, planned to go to med school, and somewhere along the way he'd given it all up for easy living off his parents and The Mexican Funeral. He still isn't entirely sure why.

He can feel the tears dripping down his face when his finger sticks on a page, catching on a loose edge and flipping the book open. There, looking out of place in a book filled with his own scribbles, was what can only be called an illuminated page. The calligraphy is beautiful and ornate and part of him thinks Dirk would love it. The top of the page catches the breath in his throat though.

**THE WIZARD'S OATH**

It didn't make sense, but some deep part of his soul is crying out. He can feel even more tears streaming down his face, only wiping them off when Mona hands him some tissues. She tentatively hugs him from behind as he blows his nose, "It's very pretty."

"Yeah, yeah it is," Todd isn't entirely sure what it is about the page that's causing such a reaction. It's probably just something left over from his old D&D group. He'd left midway through his senior year of high school so he could focus more on college. 

It's not that though. He can almost see the shape of it in his mind, old memories of fighting monsters and fixing problems. Things that, on reflection, don't actually sound too much like Dungeons & Dragons, not even the LARPing crowd. Almost without meaning to he traces the words on the page, _In Life's name and for Life's sake_.  This page was so important once. It could be again. He knows that, knows he's being offered another chance at something. It almost feels like that moment Dirk had offered to drive him to Amanda's place back when they first met. Choose one way and his life continues as it has been. Choose another and things will change - drastically so.  The last choice was such a good one in retrospect, even if it hadn't felt like it at the time. Choosing Dirk was the best thing to happen to him in years, possibly ever. Dirk and Farah were better friends than he deserved, better everything than he deserved. Even Mona seems to like him.

He starts to read out-loud, Mona still hugging him from behind, and the universe holds it's breath, "In Life's name and for Life's sake. I assert that I will employ the Art which is Its gift in Life’s service alone, rejecting all other usages. I will guard growth and ease pain. I will fight to preserve what grows and lives well in its own way; and I will change no object or creature unless its growth and life, or that of the system of which it is part, are threatened. To these ends, in the practice of my Art, I will put aside fear for courage, and death for life, when it is right to do so —till Universe’s end."

It takes less than a minute to read the oath. Less than a minute until everything comes flooding back. Less than a minute to understand just what he'd turned his back on so long ago. Less than a minute and he's once again crying in Mona's arms and he feels bad about that because he knows Mona isn't' the best with physical touch and she's already done so much for him today. Still, she hugs him and pats his back awkwardly until Dirk and Farah come back. She turns back into a rosebush as soon as she can and he promises himself that he'll give her some water later.

As unbelievable as it is Dirk and Farah are even worse at comforting people than Mona. He has no choice but to pull himself together for their sake. It doesn't take long to wash his face and put the kettle on for some tea. Eventually though he's out of his own busy work and they are sitting on the office couch and chairs looking at the box his parents sent. Farah reading the letter and Dirk looking through his old shirts. He speaks before they can say anything, "It's okay, about what I expected really. And you can keep any of the shirts you want Dirk."

Dirk makes a noise of excitement and Farah looks at both of them in disappointment. Strong enough disappointment that Dirk holds some of the shirts protectively to his chest, "Todd said he was fine Farah."

"He was crying bad enough that Mona was comforting him when we walked in," Farah says like he isn't even there.

Dirk snorts and waves a hand through the air, "Sometimes people just cry for a prolonged period of time and then everything is okay."

There's a moment where he exchanges a look with Farah that says they're going to table that for the moment, but they will addressing it sooner rather than later. The moment passes as Farah mentally adjusts herself and gives him a Look. Time to tell the truth of just how much of a bastard he really is, how much he gave up, and why pretending to have pararibulitis was even more of an asshole move than he'd previously let them believe. So, he takes a deep breath and a sip of tea, clutches his Manual to his chest and starts the story.

"The first time I saw a pararibulitis attack I was ten. My aunt was taking me, Amanda, and our cousins Sam and Michael to Target to go Christmas shopping for our parents. My aunt, Ann, didn't have any children herself. Didn't want to pass on pararibulitis, but she dotted on the four of us. We'd just finished shopping and were on our way back to the car when Ann started screaming about wasps. We knew about pararibulitis, but none of us had ever seen an attack. We didn't know what to do. I remember Amanda and Michael crying." Todd licks his lips and takes another sip of tea, "When I was twelve Ann ran into traffic yelling about lava. It was two days after her funeral that I first found this."

He holds up the book and keeps talking so they don't offer decades old condolences for an aunt who's memory he's disrespected so thoroughly, "I was at a garage sale in the neighborhood, just walking around really, trying to process everything. Ann was the first person I'd ever known who'd died. I found this in a free box at the end of the driveway. I couldn't understand why anyone would throw away such a cool book."

He passes it to Farah and Dirk to look at, deciding that he's not hiding anything from them. Not after everything they've been through. They both look at it and they both find the Wizard's Oath. Dirk likes it just as much as Mona thought he would, cooing over the design. It's Farah who asks the question, "Is this for real?"

"Yeah," he can't look at them, "it is."

He doesn't have to look to know that Dirk is doing that thing where he's trying to articulate a thought and it's all facial expressions and hand gestures before finally spitting out, "Not to put too fine a point on it, but I've never seen you do magic. And as your best friend I would hope that this was something you would have shared with me before now."

He looks up to see a slightly hurt look on Dirk's face and skeptical one on Farah's. He sighs because that's the crux of the issue, really, "Wizardry can't live in an unwelcome heart. I gave it up when I was seventeen."

He can't look at them, can't really face everything while facing them, so instead he gets up and starts making more tea while talking. Hoping that if he can just get it out now they can realize how much more shitty of a person he is than any of them really thought, "I loved Ann. After finishing my Ordeal I dove right into trying to find a cure for pararibulitis. Why else would the Powers offer me Wizardry? I must have been meant to  find a cure. I worked so hard on it. I was something of a prodigy on kernels."

He lets himself laugh at the irony of it before looking at them and seeing the look on their faces, too many unfamiliar terms, "Never mind. The point is I thought I'd figure it out. Save my family from this bullshit. Sam started having attacks when they were 15, I was 16."

"Oh," Dirk looks like he wants to do something, maybe give a hug, but thankfully just stays seated and takes the cup of tea Todd hands him. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah," he passes Farah's cup back to her and sits down again. "They used to jam with us, Sam on keyboard and Michael on bass. We had our own little family garage band. One day Sam had an attack in the middle of our session. Thought their keyboard had turned into mouse traps and was convinced all of their fingers were broken. A week later they killed themself. Two months later I gave up Wizardry because it wasn't working. Five years of work and I was no closer to an answer than I'd been on day one. There was no reason for pararibulitis. Nothing to fix as far as I could find. As far as anyone could find. I can remember laying in my bed staring at a picture of the four of us and thinking that if I couldn't save Sam then what use could Wizardry be?"

"Oh, Todd," Farah says as she attempts to hug him. It's awkward enough to make him wish Mona would stop being a rosebush under the window. He returns it as best as he's able to do so and wipes away the tears leaking down his face again. 

"Left for college not long after and I couldn't for the life of me remember why it had been so important to be pre-med." He has to laugh because he'd had the original idea that if he'd learned more, went to medical school, he might be able to figure out the missing piece. Maybe he would have. "You know the story from there."

They sit in silence for awhile, too long really, before Dirk breaks it in the most tactless way possible, "Well, I can see why your parents are extra upset that you faked having pararibulitis for so long."

Dirk immediately covers his mouth like he can take the words back, but all Todd can do is laugh because that's exactly it. What he did was even worse than they'd previously thought and so much of his feelings back then had been wrapped up in Wizardry that it had all faded into the background in college. Looking back he can recognize the depression he'd sunk into, the way he'd felt like a piece of his life was missing. At the time he'd rationalized it as Sam's death still effecting him and even went to some grief counseling. That had probably been part of it, but there was a reason nothing touched the core of the missing bit inside of him. The missing bit that's back now, "I took the Oath again. Most people aren't offered Wizardry once in their life, let alone twice, but here I am. I don't deserve it, but I took the Oath again."

Farah's the one that eventually pulls them together again, standing up and clapping her hands the way she does when she's trying to get control of an insane situation, "Well, how about Dirk and I go get some Chinese from the place down the block and then you tell us what that means. Magic I'm assuming."

Dirk practically lights up at the thought of actual magic and Todd can't help but smile at it. It's easy enough to grab one of the envelopes off Farah's desk, "I'll pay. Get lots of dumplings."

She grimaces at the envelope, knowing where it came from, and pulls Dirk out the door before he can work out which questions he wants to ask first. It takes a minute to get moving from there, but once he starts it's easy enough to put all the shirts back into the box, shove it over to Dirks desk, and throw the old notebooks into one of the drawers on his own desk. He gives Mona some water and she rustles her leaves at him in return. From there it's just opening his Manual again.

Everything is there, his old notes and sections he'd bookmarked for reference. The half formed theories and spells he'd been planning on trying. Old messages from friends he'd just stopped remembering he'd had, left before they must have seen his updated entry. The entry that he flips to the back to look at, his name and address listed in the Bs just like it used to be, power level lower than he remembered, but that's to be expected. He can't help but smile at the little status line under everything else. It's been almost two decades since it's read Active, but there it is. 

First things first though. He's going to take Dirk and Farah to the moon. He should have just enough power to manage it based on his ranking. He's not sure where he's going from here, probably not specializing in kernels anymore, but he's got Dirk and Farah and they deserve the moon. Flipping through he gets to the section where it will record names and sets it up for all three of them, he'll have to update his own regardless. It'll be fun to go through the quiz with Dirk and Farah. 

And then the moon.


End file.
